Writings shared from Zipporah, Member of the Mending Word: Rosh Hashana Edition

The New Year, 5783

I recently received a set of my great-grandmothers machzorim, Ruth, my second name. I will use it while praying to help me connect, not just to my namesake – who I never met and don’t know much about, but to her son, my Zeidy who I loved dearly and was the one constant in my life with his wife, my yummy Bubby, and to my sweet brother Shia who now rests with them.

As I gently place the machzor on the table decked in white, slowly, carefully turn the yellowed pages hoping they don’t crumble, I will allow my broken heart to connect to the words, the souls who once held these very pages, who once prayed, and perhaps cried, wishing to be inscribed in to the book of life.

This year, as I ask of G-d the same, for life, I will wish for a year of living. Of connection. Of feeling. Grief. Loss. Love. Hope. Sadness. Joy. All the messy human feelings, because that’s what I think, means living. I am leaving anxiety of dying and death. I am leaving a few layers of safety around my heart. I am letting go of guilt of deleting his texts. I am going to live more. I am going to sit and feel all the feelings. I am going to forgive myself for feeling like I haven’t done enough.

- Zipporah Thaler